You: Asian female, likely 18-19, around 5'6", I'd hazard to say 125 but that's me being generous, and you'll find I'm very generous. Slim, shoulder-length black hair with brown streaks, cute smile. Very visibly taken, but only visibly.
We were both walking on Professors Row - me walking back to Metcalf from the gym, and you headed right for me, coming at each other like a meeting between destiny and serendipity. I was wearing a loose hoodie and was a bit sweaty from the gym, but my Boyish Charm© was more than obvious, you surely must have spotted that.
When we were within six feet of each other I puckered my pouty lips and threw you a smile and sultry glance out of little more than the corner of my eye, my gaze partially averted and coy. I was delighted at your response, the joy in your features as you gasped slightly, elevating your voice and clutching your friend's arm enthusiastically. He was a white male of about twenty, possibly thirty since he hadn't shaved in days, wearing a t-shirt with cutoff sleeves, a trucker cap, and jeans sized up three. In some cultures such a gesture would be perceived as saying: "This is my boyfriend, clearly I like white guys so away from me, you creepy asian man." But I knew you didn't mean that.
Of course he was just an accessory for you to lean on because you could not contain the tremors of desire I caused to well up inside you. I apologize for this exquisite and pleasurable unsettlement I may have caused you, but I know deep in my heart that you are just like me, a hunter on the prowl with the scent of hunger in your breath, a voracity that longs to be satisfied before the fires in your heart burn down the walls of your mortal coil. I can think of no better way to quell your raging loins than with my taut, al dente... noodle. And I must let you know that it does take very well to the tooth.
White man's burden.
If you're reading this, email me at ireallylikeasianmen@forreal.com and describe your underwear so I know it's you. I know that celibacy can be overwhelming so get in touch with me before you're driven insane by the frigidity of lesser men.
Had a hoot reading this. :))
ReplyDeleteHilarious work, robert!
ReplyDeleteIn Paris there is a tiny street a stone's throw from the Louvre known unofficially as "that little street full of japanese restaurants" because of the 20 odd number of japanese restaurants lined up along it. During a recent trip we were (un?)fortunate enough to rent an apartment somewhere there.
Now on friday nights, ALL the restaurants would be packed, primarily by cute little japanese girls and their tall, chisled frankish (read:white) dates to begin a night of cross cultural discourse no doubt. There weren't any asian men in sight, and i was in fact led to believe that a fifth of the parisienne population consisted of these cute japanese girls. And they were all getting in on the action too, even girls who i would hazard to be fives and sixes in MANILA had men wrapped around their little fingers. It was insane.
When will the double standards end for the uniquely marginalized minority of the asian man? Can I still wake up to a day when women of all races would be clamoring for some-a-that "tootsie roll"? I would like to believe that in a generation when a black man could be the leader of the free world, such changes could still be possible.
Thanks guys! Trust me though the pickings aren't as slim as this entry makes it sound ;)
ReplyDeleteOo na, tisoy na ang type ko. JUDGY.
ReplyDelete/:) I don't believe you.
ReplyDelete